The topics for this week’s puns and one liners is gambling jokes. I should add that I’m not much of a gambler; the biggest wagers I seem to make are playing 2p machines at seaside resorts, so I am far from an expert in the topic. As normal, these come with no guarantee of hilarity or originality…
Your wife/girlfriend's 'con' goes from warmly to scowls. Go to a casino and see the people playing slot machines. You think to yourself, 'That's not fair! I'm reminded of the FFXI Joke. “Say someone wins $500,000 on a slot machine jackpot,” says Derk. “We’re going to review it but we’re just going to make sure everything’s okay — that they didn’t open the machine.
I make a bet with a local farmer each year as to which lamb will jump highest. I like a gambol.
Got asked to leave the casino the other night. They said I had a chip on my shoulder.
How do you become a millionaire through gambling? Start as a billionaire.
I’m going to an Abba themed poker night. The winner takes it all.
Lost money betting with with one of the big cats at the zoo. Think he was a cheetah.
Did well at strip poker the other night. I played my socks off.
I gambled on a giraffe race the other day. Mine came second. Lost by a neck. It was nowhere near.
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Wife Thinks I'm A Slot Machine Joker
I took a gamble and bought a small boat without seeing it first. It was a punt.
I used to love eating chips until I got barred from the casino.
I bet on a horse at 10-1. It didn’t come in until half past three.
Wife Thinks I'm A Slot Machine Jokes
Walking down the road earlier and I tripped over a sign from the local betting shop. What are the odds on that?
A friend of mine keeps insisting on skipping through flower meadows. I think he has a gamboling problem.
Why are large maps rubbish at playing poker? They always fold.
Last week’s snooker jokes are here.
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In 1953, a struggling young comedian and radio personality named Soupy Hines, tired of eking out a living doing stand-up gigs at clubs around the Cincinnati area, acted on a tip from a friend and drove to Detroit in the hope of finding work in television. Born Milton Supman (“Soupy” was a childhood nickname suggested by a Southern pronunciation of his last name, and the surname “Hines” was an adopted reference to the Hines Soup Company), Hines had some experience in the new medium, having hosted a teenage dance show and an evening interview/comedy program in Cincinnati. But the job he landed at TV station WXYZ in Detroit was different than anything he’d tried before: hosting a daily lunchtime show for children.
Soupy’s 12 o’clock Comics (soon changed to Lunch with Soupy, and after a final surname change a few years later, Lunch with Soupy Sales) was unlike any other children’s program at that time. Soupy was neither a sober adult figure who provided children with daily lessons, nor a costume-clad huckster who merely furnished some continuity for a string of cartoons and commercials. With his cast of puppets — Pookie, the hip lion; Willie, the sickest worm in Detroit; White Fang, the meanest dog in Detroit; Black Tooth, the sweetest dog in Detroit (the latter two each represented only by a single
Soupy’s popularity grew through his years of hosting a daily show in Detroit, a noontime program on the ABC network, and an early evening spot for KABC in
Soupy also developed a hip stature among youngsters for something else: like Bob Hope before him and Johnny Carson after him, Soupy was often identified as the putative source of anonymous bits of salacious schoolyard humor. Due in large part to the free-wheeling, improvisational nature of his live show (as exemplified by his notorious “little green pieces of paper” broadcast on New Year’s Day in 1965), he acquired a false reputation for sneaking all sorts of barely-disguised sexual innuendo and four-letter words into his program from kids who swore those dirty jokes they were telling had come straight from Soupy’s mouth. The risqué gags attributed to Soupy over the years included the following:
- Soupy’s telling the joke: “What starts with ‘F’ and ends with ‘UCK’? A fire truck!”
- Soupy’s singing a ditty entitled “If you see
- Soupy’s playing a game with White Fang in which the dog grunts the alphabet but consistently misidentifies the letter ‘F’ as the letter ‘K’ until Soupy blurts out in mock exasperation: “Everytime I see ‘F,’ you see ‘K’!”
- Soupy’s telling his audience: “I climbed up a tree and kissed my girl between the limbs.”
- Soupy’s exclaiming: “My wife can’t cook, but she sure can cream my banana!”
- Soupy’s announcing: “I took my wife to a baseball
game — Ikissed her on the strikes, and she kissed me on the balls.”
As Soupy himself explained in his autobiography, none of this was anything he could have gotten away with on television in the mid-1960s and still have remained on the air:
[A]bout those myths. There were all these other things I was supposed to have said, like “What begins with ‘F’ and ends with
I got so annoyed at these stories that I used to have a standing offer of ten thousand dollars cash to anyone who could prove that I said any of the things that people claim I’ve said. Look, at every TV station, whether you know it or not, there’s a little spool in the master machine in engineering that records everything that’s said, everything that goes on. And believe me, if I said half the things I’m supposed to have said, they would be on some blooper record making the rounds.
Soupy’s assessment of how those rumors came to be associated with his TV show agreed with ours:
After many years, I think I finally figured out how these ridiculous stories got started. Kids would come home and they’d tell a dirty joke, you know, grade school humor, and the parents would say, “Where’d you hear that?” And they’d say “TheSoupySalesShow,” because I happened to have the biggest show in town. And they’d call another person and say,